| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|10:32 am] |
I keep thinking of the things I have missed most throughout this journey....
....and then I realize I was missing them before too... |
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| These are a few of my favorite things.... |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|09:44 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I've been devouring books lately.
Yesterday marked 90 days of sobriety.
I get to go home very soon.
I've already got a set up for my new bathroom. We have a bloody handprint shower curtain at work....the plan is to get that
-attatch finger hooks to hang my towels on
-I already bought some bloody foot prints to go on the floor
-police tape will serve as my border
-hang all my horror movie posters
Rhonda came up with the idea to paint the walls then put blood splatters all over the walls. We're going to make it look like a murder scene. She's going to help me and Ma is even on board. Also, I'm getting some bad ass hot dripping blood that I plan to line the grout with.
Usually my entire decour looks like a haunted house. Not only is my bathroom going to kick major ass, it will leave the rest of the house to take on other themes.
I am so very excited about all of this. |
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| P.S. |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|10:32 am] |
I'm mobile now.
That's right, I got a car!!!!
They "picked up" my focus while I was in treatment.
Heartless bastards!!!
Oh well.
I LOVE my new saturn! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|10:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
Today marks my 80th day of sobriety.
Oh yeah.
Get some.... |
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| ***** |
[Oct. 6th, 2009|10:02 am] |
"As long as there is a lower class--
--I am in it.
As long as there is a criminal element--
--I am of it.
As long as there is a soul in prison--
--I am not free."
-Eugene Debs |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2009|11:35 am] |
It's amazing what happens when you exude positive energy into the world.
Things are going amazing.
I have a job.
I found a place to live that is 300 dollars a month, all untilities included.
I'm working on getting a car.
I have a job (hopefully) lined up where I'll make 11 dollars an hour once this one ends. My current employment is seasonal.
Life is good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|12:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
I've been asking for guidance through dreams lately.
You are probably aware that I am a big follower of dreams. You are also aware, I would imagine, that I've had some pretty fucking horrific ones before coming into treatment.
Yesterday, I had a lovely, painful and nostalgic dream.
During the meeting, a lady was speaking and somehow her story took me back into the dream.
I almost cried.
Then, I wrote this:
We do not need to know everything right now. The fear of the future can be quelled with the assurance of today.
I also started a bit about paper tiger. Work in progress.
"Don't look back at the path you've made-
Don't look down you might find it trodden.
It's cool to walk alone if you really want to-
held back by the past while the future catches you"
-Deficit |
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| "...I am nothing of a builder..." |
[Jul. 29th, 2009|08:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
Written 7-27-09 1:05 a.m.
Disclaimer:
This is completely raw and unedited. I note that some revisions should be made.
I found my wedding dress today.
It was no longer preserved or pristine---I recovered it hastily shoved into an old piece of luggage by his callous, now disillusioned hands.
I wondered, if it could feel, what emotions the dress would be experiencing.
Would it remember the day I specifically selected it or better yet, the when I put in on the day ceremony?
How carefully I'd smoothed its wrinkles--the new bracelets dangled, matching so well--my mother's borrowed diamonds--the hue of aqua I'd chosen for my undergarments....
Would it know how beautiful it made me feel? Would it understand the intensity it was present for at the utterance of two simplistic words?
Would it recall, I wondered, how lovingly it had hung neatly in our closet for years, occasionally fingered over while he or I reminisced about that day in March?
Would it remember how much I loved it?
Of course not. For it is just a dress--a simple garment--a now tainted symbol of a once seemingly eternal bond.
I wondered then, were I to allow myself to feel, what emotions might sweep over me...
I decided to dismiss such thoughts.
As I am just a woman and the past is just the past.
I shook it out and looked the dress over. I searched for the instructions to launder it for the first time ever and couldn't find them.
Searching and searching, I began to manically--almost frantically--search for the tag.
It were as though the dress were mocking me--forcing me to remember and daring me to forget.
And then it hit me:
The scent.
The smell of our home.
The aroma of six years.
The olfactory overload of the life we had tried and failed to build.
Then came the onslaught of emotion that I no longer had the choice to ignore...
After all,
I AM just a woman--
--but is the past just the past? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2009|04:16 am] |
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Jesus. Fucking. Christ. |
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| "I've written pages, upon pages..." |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|12:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
My psychiatrist did something interesting today.
I go in for my evaluation tomorrow.
Ira just sent the word. His father approved my moving in with them.
Decisions, decisions. |
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| "...and I think to myself what a wonderful world..." |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|01:47 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ill | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ache-No Doubt | ] |
So, my vomiting thing is back.
For those my adoring readers who don't know, there was a period in my life where I vomited every day, at least once, for about two years.
Not because I was bulimic...not because I was hung over...
I never really figured out why. Then one day--miraculously---it stopped---and boy was I a happy RAWH!
Well, it's back. With a vengeance.
Sometimes, I just vomit for no reason. Sometimes, I cough to the point where I gag and then vomit.
Sexy, I know.
I haven't been able to keep many things down for the past few days. I even puked up a pepsi for chrissake, and currently, I happen to be quite addicted to said beverage.
Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until almost six a.m. because my stomach was so upset. I threw up three times last night alone!!!
This resulted in my throat aching all day---which in turn resulted in extra irritation and excessive coughing while I smoke---
---which---
---you guessed it---
---resulted in more discomfort and vomit.
Ain't life grand.... |
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| A christian lady picks up two hitchikers....a barefoot hippie and a lil ghetto white woman.... |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|01:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | stoked | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Unity--operation ivy | ] |
I just found out today there is a possible prize for the winner of the Variety Show.
I'm pretty sure we are going to own it.
Ms. Tina, Ms. Leslie and I have cooked up a skit of prize winning possibilities.
Oh yes.
We're totally getting into character and have even have props!
Cross your fingers... |
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| Here we go.... |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|02:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Violent Femmes | ] |
For our next retreat at work (p.s. "retreat" means we go to Lake City, eat lots of yummy food, take some courses, play games and overall have a great time---just didn't want you to imagine us on a beach in Jamaica, cause that's what comes to mind when I think of "retreat"),
...we are meeting in Lake City and the theme is Vegas Casino & Variety Show.
I'm pretty excited, although I have to work a double that day......I kind of can't wait.
Not only am I obsessed with my job, but I LOVE retreats and I happen to be anxious to showcase some talent.
The flyer cracked me up. It read: "Most talents accepted." Ha!
What if I was high end prostitute? Perhaps I happen to rock at topless bull riding or swinging?
Naturally, I excel at none of those categories, yet I wonder, what do they mean by most...
I signed up for TBA. I intend to do a monologue. Gotta find the right one, however.
Plus, I only have until the 9th to perfect it.... |
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| Day One: |
[May. 29th, 2009|03:12 am] |
A success.
I'm not going to say I didn't think about drinking. Oh, I did. At least 12 or more times today.
When I was dealing with an hour long erratic tirade at work, I could fucking taste Natty Light. Seriously. I tasted it.
I even thought of scandalous ways I could lie my way into an exit to make it to the store before two.
I didn't, though. |
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| ...I'm not trying to say that everybody wants to go.... |
[May. 25th, 2009|03:28 am] |
Woah.
Things are becoming a little bit clearer....
Wish I could get a response...
I'm starting to understand things.
I'm starting to recognize my wrongs....
I'm beginning to believe who really LOVES me and UNDERSTANDS me...
I believe there are only three people who ever truly loved me and only one of those also understands me.... |
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| "Even if things end up a bit too heavy we'll all float on..." |
[May. 6th, 2009|02:22 am] |
Geez.
Sometimes I cannot help but to think negatively. I try my best to usher out such thoughts and plant some seeds of optimism....
..at times to no avail.
What the fuck ever man.
I'm going to start working on my bird sleeves.
I'm planning to buy Ira a bus ticket down for my birthday.
Barker and I just may have a joint birthday party (the miraculous days of our births rest only five days apart) complete with a MANIPULT!
I'm going to the annual FCADV conference in Orlando for four days next week.
I get to see Bleu next friday!
I'm going to buy a Boyfriend's Inc. individually kissed coloring book.
I saw a number of my sisters and brothers today.
I cleaned vomit off of an extremely inebriated chicks purse. (Mind you, I'd had NOTHING to drink)
Jami and I might hang out this weekend.
Just trying to think on the bright side...... |
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| Rivers are raging in your blood.... |
[Apr. 13th, 2009|03:36 am] |
I almost had a nervous breakdown today.
We are having this grandiose inspection at work. Although it is important---it is through DCF (Department of Children & Families) and they approve us for certification i.e. we don't pass inspection, we loose our licensing thus resulting in over 10 women and 16 children being homeless and ME being unemployed-- some of their rules are just plain ludicrous. For example, there must be an EXTRA roll of toilet paper under each bathroom sink. If not, we are reprimanded for this. Seriously? We have a major stock in the supply room. All anyone has to do is come to the office an ask for a roll.
Also--another rule I hate--all the women had to bring their cleaning supplies to us and we have to lock them in the supply closet. Our job, among other things, is to promote woman empowerment. Explain to me how any time they want to scrub their toilet--forcing them to come to us to unlock their cleaning supplies is conducive to this goal. I'm sure they had to ask their abusers for money and other forms of sustenance throughout their relationships. Bullshit.
However, these are not the reasons for the mass hysteria I experienced today.
As I was wringing out the mop, I noticed my yin yang ring was missing. I immediately stopped what I was doing, made my rounds and told everyone of the missing bauble. Most of the residents notice it, as well as their children, and inquire as to it's origin.
You should know, this ring has not left my finger for five fucking years. For five years (save from one temporary misplacing lasting 20 minutes) I have worn this ring each and every day of my life. Granted, it would have only cost 17 dollars if it had been payed for, but actually, I stole it, that is not the point. It is more than important and sentimental to me. In fact, I'd say other than my photographs, it is THE most important thing I own. Although I have no will, it is known by my closest loved ones that if Zack doesn't want it when I die (and I will harbor no ill will if he does) then it is one of my death wishes to be buried with it on my finger.
I was freaking the fuck out.
I had women walking around with me.....looking in the grass with lighters.....telling their children about it...."You know Ms. Robyn's yin yang ring? Well, if you see it, hold it tight, keep it safe and take it to the office and give it to the advocate on duty."
I was fully prepared to go into work early tomorrow, before the garbage people came, to crawl in and search through all the dumpster to see if I had lost it in there, as I had taken a trip to throw out trash during my shift.
I came home uneasy....yet all was well when I found my precious piece in the bathtub.
There is a broken piece around the band. Apparently, while washing my hair today, it had slipped off. Whew.
Mental breakdown averted... |
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| "commiting racketeering..." |
[Mar. 20th, 2009|03:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My Nanny's House | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Sparrow Song- Astronautalis | ] |
Since it is such a late hour, I suppose I can say today....
So, today I am going canoe-ing. I'm quite excited.
Actually, I've never been.
I plan on indulging in nature like a you-know-what and there is nothing wrong with upper body exercise...
...specially when you are getting OBESE like myself...
Yay!
Nature and water!
I'm so excited! |
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| You can find a swarm where the stingers hold back... |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|01:51 am] |
I went to a poetry club meeting tongiht.
Who knew they had even a breath of culture in this area.
It was nice, though. Only five in attendance, including The Jew and I.
I enjoyed it. I met a woman who will turn 90 this year. She's a retired BROADWAY veteran. I gasped aloud when I learned this fact.
Other than than, I'm living with my Nanny, Papa and IRA!!!!
Other areas of my life feel way more than content. In fact, they feel just right. Like the perfect fit.
I'm doing just fine.
Despite it's recent downfalls and my slight bout with homelessness, my indecision with my Ma and my lack of funds...
...I like life.
No, I love my life. |
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